A breaking point
A little off-topic, but I feel the need to make a post for the sake of my sanity.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been self-conscious. I've always been pudgy and until recently didn't wear very good clothes. I don't even remember people ever making fun of me. Now, though, I'm self-conscious beyond belief.
If someone so much as laughs around me, without me being in on the joke, I feel like they are poking fun at me for whatever reason. One scenario in particular that I remember well is when I was in Algebra class. There was a girl sitting behind me, and to my right and they were best friends. They talked a lot during class, and laughed even more. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, I always thought they were talking about me. Making fun of my clothes, me being fat, whatever the case may be. Being out of the situation for a while now, I don't see how I could let myself believe that every single class period they would just sit there and torment me. I don't understand my own logic. But, that's how I am; I think logically until I'm in a difficult situation, then I panic and my logic turns to illogic.
My personal perception of my physical attractiveness is like a roller coaster. One day it's peaked with "Wow, you look really good today!" and other days it's exponentially decayed by 5,000,000,000 to "...God was really mean to you, sir." I don't know what it is that has such drastic effects. Lighting? Hair? Could the factors really be that minute? Whatever the case may be, it's true and I still don't understand the logic behind it.
Summer of '09! Hell yes! No school?! Would finally be better than those damned new 7th graders that would be entering our[8th graders] kingdom. Wrong. My body decided it wanted to sprout 5" and stretch my skin to the max leaving me with horrid, disgusting stretch marks EVERYWHERE. Stomach, arms, thighs, back of legs, sides, you name it! I haven't been able to check my ass. I can't wear short sleeves because the marks show and I'll be paranoid all day about each laugh wondering if it's about me.
I have to be very cautious about what I wear. No short sleeves, no shorts, etc. My daily dress is always jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. This year I have worn ONE t-shirt without a hoodie. The sleeves were just long enough to cover up. Paranoia all day.
My brother's girlfriend's doctor told her she had to shed some weight. So her mom was going to make her join the YMCA. Well, she said she wasn't going to do it unless my brother did it along with her; so her mom bought my brother a membership. I was jealous and asked my mom to buy me a membership so I could go. She did and I went...a few times. I never really had motivation to do really anything. My addiction to the Internet is taking over my life.
Today was a breaking point.
All of the thoughts rolled into my head at once. Collectively sending me into a miniature depression.
I don't like working out in front of people; it's pretty embarrassing to me. The YMCA is flooded with people around 6 PM. Today, we went at 7 PM and it wasn't bad at all! From this day forward at or around 7 PM everyday with the exception of some breaks, I will go to the YMCA and work my hardest.
I know I can do it... I just have to get the motivation thing down. <:
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