A breaking point

Tuesday, April 13, 2010 8:28 PM By Caylen

A little off-topic, but I feel the need to make a post for the sake of my sanity.


For as long as I can remember, I've always been self-conscious. I've always been pudgy and until recently didn't wear very good clothes. I don't even remember people ever making fun of me. Now, though, I'm self-conscious beyond belief.

If someone so much as laughs around me, without me being in on the joke, I feel like they are poking fun at me for whatever reason. One scenario in particular that I remember well is when I was in Algebra class. There was a girl sitting behind me, and to my right and they were best friends. They talked a lot during class, and laughed even more. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, I always thought they were talking about me. Making fun of my clothes, me being fat, whatever the case may be. Being out of the situation for a while now, I don't see how I could let myself believe that every single class period they would just sit there and torment me. I don't understand my own logic. But, that's how I am; I think logically until I'm in a difficult situation, then I panic and my logic turns to illogic.

My personal perception of my physical attractiveness is like a roller coaster. One day it's peaked with "Wow, you look really good today!" and other days it's exponentially decayed by 5,000,000,000 to "...God was really mean to you, sir." I don't know what it is that has such drastic effects. Lighting? Hair? Could the factors really be that minute? Whatever the case may be, it's true and I still don't understand the logic behind it.

Summer of '09! Hell yes! No school?! Would finally be better than those damned new 7th graders that would be entering our[8th graders] kingdom. Wrong. My body decided it wanted to sprout 5" and stretch my skin to the max leaving me with horrid, disgusting stretch marks EVERYWHERE. Stomach, arms, thighs, back of legs, sides, you name it! I haven't been able to check my ass. I can't wear short sleeves because the marks show and I'll be paranoid all day about each laugh wondering if it's about me.

I have to be very cautious about what I wear. No short sleeves, no shorts, etc. My daily dress is always jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. This year I have worn ONE t-shirt without a hoodie. The sleeves were just long enough to cover up. Paranoia all day.

My brother's girlfriend's doctor told her she had to shed some weight. So her mom was going to make her join the YMCA. Well, she said she wasn't going to do it unless my brother did it along with her; so her mom bought my brother a membership. I was jealous and asked my mom to buy me a membership so I could go. She did and I went...a few times. I never really had motivation to do really anything. My addiction to the Internet is taking over my life.

Today was a breaking point.

All of the thoughts rolled into my head at once. Collectively sending me into a miniature depression.

I don't like working out in front of people; it's pretty embarrassing to me. The YMCA is flooded with people around 6 PM. Today, we went at 7 PM and it wasn't bad at all! From this day forward at or around 7 PM everyday with the exception of some breaks, I will go to the YMCA and work my hardest.

I know I can do it... I just have to get the motivation thing down. <:

0 Comments

Spring Fashion

4:18 PM By Caylen

Apparently Spring in this town means you get to strut the halls butt ass nekkit! These hos comin' to school with tank tops and booty shorts that barely cover the booty.


I have two sides to this story.

The administration's side:

Okay, as I posted to Twitter earlier: SPRING = LESS CLOTHES. SPRING =/= NO CLOTHES. I'm still in my winter uniform, it's 45 degress out and you come to school in some booty cutters and a tank top? I was COMFORTABLE in my hoodie and jeans... Only in one class did I almost take my hoodie off because it was uncomfortable. That is just unnecessary. You need to take some medicine for that Spring fever, sweetheart. Or nekkit fever; whatever the hell you got. You need to get it in check.

The student's side:

They made the same GOD DAMN announcement about coats, hats, hoods, etc FOUR GOD DAMN times! We heard you the first time. And the second. The third was "are you kidding me?" and the fourth is "FUCK GTFO WE HEARD YOU ALREDAY. STFU." It's fucking ridiculous. We get it! And then, the fucking principal waddled his happy ass to EVERY single class (can you imagine?) demanded everyone to stand so he could inspect our attire. I asked my friend if my 32L jeans were long enough, and covered everything that needed to be covered. This one girl in my Biology class was wearing some SHORT ASS SHORTS. But, luckily for her, her fingertips didn't exceed the length of her shorts. The fucking shorts were her soccer uniform they gave her to wear to school! And he still inspected her. Um...? I don't spot anything wrong with that, huh?

Anyways, I'm gonna stick to jeans and a t-shirt. No one needs to see my blubber flappin' when I walk when I wear shorts.

:D

0 Comments

Teachers who allow MP3 players

Monday, April 12, 2010 9:23 PM By Caylen

Fuck you, okay? Nothing is more rude and annoying then some flunker in the back of the room who is blaring music and trying to be a rapper. REALITY CHECK: No. The fucking teacher doesn't even say shit to them. It's VERY distracting and hard to concentrate.

0 Comments

Cruel kids are CRUEL

8:35 PM By Caylen

Oh christ. Some people really do not have ANYTHING better to talk about than someone else. In first hour, a not-so-popular kid walked in late wearing a tattered, red...leash. I see that's pretty odd, but it's pretty cruel to sit there FOR THE WHOLE 90 MINUTES and talk about. Get a fucking life! Later in the hour he sneezed twice, each time my teacher gave him a "Bless you." and then he replied: "Thanks. I'm allergic to dogs." -_- He did NOT deserve that bless you. And, I really don't see how HE is in ANY position to judge others while he was jeans that are as old as him. No, sweetheart... NEXT. It's high school. GROW THE FUCK UP. A human can only take so much belittlement before they snap. And when they do, TRUST ME, bastard, you WILL fucking regret it!

0 Comments

From Food to Shit

2:35 AM By Caylen

For my Health class we have to write a descriptive essay and if you couldn't guess from the title, the subject is eating food, and then shitting it out. Basically, I start as a food. I can be anything I want. A scrumptious, juicy, steak to a sour skittle. It doesn't matter. And he[my teacher] told us we have to be inserted through the mouth. We can't be eaten through the ear. Damn! After we are eaten we have to describe our long journey through the body all the way up until we are shat out the anus.


I'm not looking forward to this.

0 Comments

Blog after blog. . .

Sunday, April 11, 2010 11:52 PM By Caylen

So I go to school daily, right? Okay...that's a lie. Every now and again I skip, but who doesn't? And in that day a lot happens. A lot of laughs, ignorance, violence and drama. Oooh, my favorite(?). Everyday that I get home, I go and tell my mom what happened. I tell all. But, the only response I ever get is "mmhmm," "yeah," "cool," "really?" and the like. It's like talking to a toy that has automated responses. So why not tell all to people who can relate and actually care? This blog will have it all. I will hide nothing. This blog will be as X-Rated as high school gets[which is very].


Can you handle it?

0 Comments

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)